


The Worst of All Sins

by Very_Niche_Interests



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anti-Depressants, Concerned Lucifer, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Leviathan Has Depression, Mention of Canon Death, Not Beta Read, POV Alternating, POV First Person, POV Third Person, Prescribed Medications, Protectiveness, Recovery, References to Depression, Religious Guilt, Self-Loathing, Simeon is a Therapist, Suicidal Thoughts, Support Group, depressive behavior, support network, talk therapy, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28051185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Very_Niche_Interests/pseuds/Very_Niche_Interests
Summary: I have been suffering from a deep depression and the demon bros, plus the angels and Solomon, band together to stage an intervention of sorts.CW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND EXTREME DEPRESSIVE BEHAVIORI wrote this 100% as a vent fic. I've been Feeling Things lately and writing always helps me work through it. Normally this is the kind of work I'd keep to myself, but I wanted to share this one. My therapist said that it would be good for me to be open about my experiences online; that maybe something I write might resonate with someone. Make them feel less alone or encourage them to seek help.So here it is.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	The Worst of All Sins

**Author's Note:**

> ONCE AGAIN, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND EXTREME DEPRESSIVE BEHAVIOR ARE DEPICTED!  
> Please be safe and stop reading if anything is triggering you.

It had started out so innocently. The warning signs _had_ been there, but all those early signals had been brushed aside. Minimized, attributed to something else, or otherwise ignored.

His bravado, his willingness to stand right in the line of fire. The recklessness of risking life and limb no matter the situation. His eyes always held a darkness in those moments—Lucifer remembered it well from the two times he had almost killed him. At first he just thought it was arrogance. Obstinacy.

If only he had spotted the signs sooner. Maybe he could have done something. Said something. It wasn’t too late, but he feared the human might be too far gone.

Gradually, it turned from a lack of care for his own life in dangerous situations to a general lack of care for life _at all_. It started with jokes. Off color statements about how he wanted to die at every inconvenience. Reacting to other demons’ threats to harm him with a flippant ‘go ahead.’

They were just jokes, he thought. Taunts to make it known that he was not afraid to be a human among demons. Had he truly meant the words…?

Nico spent all his time in his room these days. He was worse than Levi and far behind in schoolwork. The only thing that dragged him out were the movie nights—not even his favorite meal could coax him out.

Depression. Deep, clinical, and worsening depression.

Lucifer worried at the pen in his hands, brows drawn together in a tight crease. If anything happened to Nico, it would make Diavolo look bad. Worse, if anything happened to Nico…. He shook his head and returned his attention to the books and papers Satan had brought him.

Loathe as they were to work together, they could put it aside for this. Lucifer poured over the statistics and medical science, scoured the depths of every magical remedy there was. But at the end of the day, there was nothing he could do alone. There was no spell or potion that he could give him to fix everything instantly—at least, not without doing serious harm in other ways.

The best thing he could do was try and broach the topic with him. An intervention of sorts. Look Nico dead in the eyes and ask him—plead with him—to get help.

There wasn’t much in the Devildom that could help, though. Not for a human. Maybe that’s why Nico had kept it all inside. Maybe that’s why he’d pushed himself to such a state. There were no human therapists here. Not a single doctor who could prescribe human anti-depressants. Plenty existed for demons.

Reluctantly, he called all of his brothers, both angels, and Solomon into his office. He couldn’t do this himself, or even just with Satan’s books.

As everyone filed in, a rumbled of noise and chatter invaded.

“Hey what’s the big idea making us all cram in here!?” Mammon complained, “I’m a busy demon and I—”

“I need your help.” Lucifer ripped the bandaid off through gritted teeth. His pride ached, but Nico was more important.

Satan raised an eyebrow. “ _You_ are _admitting_ to needing _help_? And _asking for it_???” He laughed. “Say it again, I need to record this for the future.”

“Shut up. I don’t have time for your antics right now.” Lucifer growled. “This is about Nico.”

The room went silent.

“You’ve all seen how he is. Or rather, seen his absence. Something is very wrong and I’m worried. We need to do something before this gets any worse.”

Belphie opened a single eye. He’d been pretending to nap, but the moment Nico’s name was spoken, he couldn’t sleep. “You’ve noticed it too, mm? I swear he sleeps more than _I_ do.”

“And I thought my shut in habits were bad.”

“He hasn’t eaten much in weeks…”

Solomon spoke up, concern immediately apparent in his voice. “Did you say _weeks_? Just how long has he been like this!?”

“Too long.” Lucifer admitted. “I… wish I had known something was wrong sooner. But humans work so differently; I didn’t notice until it got this bad. He has depression; I’m no human doctor but everything he’s said and done lately lines up with the symptoms.”

Asmodeus frowned. “Oh dear, that’s no good at all!!” he hummed, “So what can we do? Give him more love and affection? Oh! Maybe he just needs a good spa day.”

“No, Asmo, it doesn’t work like that.” Solomon sighed. “By all means, do those things. But if he’s as bad off as it sounds he needs medication. A therapist. Professionals.”

“Of which there are none in the Devildom. None that could help him, anyway.” Lucifer lowered his head. “I don’t know what to do. The obvious option is to send him back to the Human World, but I don’t want him thinking we don’t want him here.”

Solomon nodded. “Wise. Depending on the nature of his depression, he may already be feeling unwanted.”

“But that’s ridiculous!” Asmo insisted. “We’ve all made it so obvious we love him! How much he means to us! He can’t seriously think we don’t want him.”

Levi spoke up. “If… If it’s anything like what I experience then it isn’t that simple.”

“Reason and truth are distorted with depression. He may know it deep inside, but there is a part of his brain that won’t let him believe it.” Solomon stroked his chin.

“If I may, I believe I might have an idea?” Simeon said. All eyes turned to him. “I can offer Nico counseling. As an angel I may not be a perfect replacement for a human professional, but in lieu of one, I believe I can provide a similar service.”

“I could help too!” Luke piped up.

Simeon smiled warmly. “Mm, if he's okay with it.” He looked to Solomon. “You can easily navigate between here and the Human World right?” At his nod, he continued. “Could you see if you can find a human doctor that is also knowledgeable of the Three Realms? It won’t be easy; humans tend to keep ‘magic’ and their ‘science’ so separate. But if you can find someone who could even just make video calls down here and prescribe him the medicine he needs…”

“Understood.” Solomon said. “I will not rest until I have found someone.”

Lucifer’s shoulders relaxed. He let out a sigh he didn’t know he’d been holding in. “Thank you, Simeon, Solomon.” He breathed. “What should the rest of us be doing?”

“Supporting him. Get him to come out of his depressive rut little by little. Remind him that he isn’t alone. That he has you.” Solomon smiled softly at Asmo. “Like making sure he tends to his personal hygiene.” His eyes moved to Beel. “And eating regularly.”

“Got it. I’ll go get some food for him now.”

“No.” Lucifer shook his head. “We need to confront him first. Mammon, go and coax him out of his room.”

“O’course! Leave it to the Great Mammon!” He announced, rushing out of the room.

* * *

Darkness. Disjointed thoughts. General waves of apathy and loathing.

It had become normal for me. I lay in my bed, covers pulled up all the way over my head as I listened to a DevilTube series—not watching it, not even really pay attention, but just letting the noise fill my brain. It was a futile attempt to make my own thoughts silence.

“Oy!” A sharp knock accompanied the shout. “Human! Lucifer sent me to getchya. So get yer butt out here or else I’ll be skinned alive.”

I sighed. “Do I have to…?”

“… Please.”

I couldn’t say no now. Not when he had that little whimper in his voice. Reluctantly, I pulled myself out of bed and shut off the TV. I didn’t even bother to change my clothes; I knew I looked a mess.

Dressed in nothing but an oversized hoodie, pajama pants, and socks, I opened the door. “… So where is Lucifer?” I couldn’t look at him—couldn’t look at anyone. My eyes remained affixed to the floor.

“Um… He’s in his study. We’re all supposed to be there so I’ll walk with ya.”

We walked there in silence. My gut churned with anxiety as I worried about what exactly Lucifer needed me for. Was I finally getting expelled for missing so much classwork? Or was failing at RAD given a more severe punishment? Depending on what that was, I didn’t have the energy to care.

* * *

The moment Nico walked in, everyone felt their hearts pang. He looked so disheveled. A large hoodie hid his figure, hood pulled up to hide his bedhead and pale face. Stains from what little food he had eaten were smudged on his pajamas.

“Hello, Nico.” Lucifer greeted, trying to maintain his composure. “Please, sit down. We all have something we need to discuss with you.”

* * *

I looked up at Lucifer hesitantly as I sat down. Everyone was here, save Diavolo and Barbatos. “….I’m sorry…” was all I could manage to say. I didn’t know exactly what they wanted to talk about, but it was an easy enough guess. They were getting tired of my current state.

Simeon spoke up, moving to sit across from me. “Nico, dear, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“Don’t I…? I know I’ve been skipping classes and stuff… I’m sure I’ve made nothing but trouble for you all. I’m sorry.”

Lucifer approached me. “Nico, we are worried about you.”

“We want to help.” Mammon said.

“You don’t deserve to suffer, no matter how much your brain might be telling you that.”

My eyes snapped to Levi as he spoke. He knew. He understood. Tears pooled at my eyes and I flung myself onto him without warning. “I… I want to believe that so much…” I trembled in his arms.

I knew he didn’t like physical contact, so immediately I pulled away from him. “S-Sorry…” But no sooner had the word left my lips, he pulled me back into his arms.

“… It’s okay. I know that it isn’t easy…” He ran his fingers through my hair.

The touch was more comforting than I could ever imagine. More tears spilled from my eyes. They all let me cry it out in silence. Levi kept his arms tight around me, and the rest placed comforting hands on my shoulders and back. Small words of comfort were spoken every now and again. Someone—I couldn’t tell who—wiped off the tears and snot that dripped down my face.

Never in my life had I felt so… so present. Like I belonged.

Eventually, my tears faded, and I was able to speak again. “… Thank you…” I mumbled. “Um… So what do I do now…?”

“Simeon has come up with a plan!” Luke chimed, “And we’re all going to help.”

* * *

They had all told Nico of the plan, and he had agreed to it. Project “Help Nico Back On His Feet” was under way.

Diavolo had agreed to dismiss all of Nico’s workload. His assignments and courses were there if he was able to work on them, but all deadlines and exams were pardoned.

Solomon, true to his word, scoured the planet for a human doctor who could treat Nico remotely. It took a while, but he did eventually find someone. They worked together to find the right medications.

Everyone in the House of Lamentation did their part as well. Each brother offered a different kind of support when he could.

Belphie, ironically enough, helped with maintaining a regular sleep schedule. Nearly every night the two slept in the same bed. At the same time every night, he would call Nico to sleep so they could cuddle; at the same time every morning, he told Nico to get up so he could sprawl out on the bed. Nico didn’t always get the right amount of sleep in spite of that. Sometimes just laying awake beside Belphie. Sometimes Belphie could tell he really couldn’t get out of bed yet. But it helped nonetheless.

Beel naturally kept him eating. No matter what, Beel would sit and wait for Nico to finish his meal before eating himself. Didn’t want to give him the excuse of “Beel already ate the food” as a way to avoid eating. But food wasn’t the only thing he looked after. He knew that for humans, being sedentary like that wasn’t good for them. So he encouraged Nico to do some exercise. Nothing nearly as intense as his own routines, but they went to the gym together regularly. Even if Nico didn’t do anything there, he had gotten out and walked. But he was sure to pile on the praise and encouragement any time Nico did get out of his comfort zone and actually work out.

Asmo was the king of selfcare and hygiene. Every day he coaxed Nico into taking a good shower. The days that Nico didn’t have the energy, Asmo insisted that they bathe together so he could wash him. The whole time, Asmo would rattle off the little things he loved about him. Everything from appearance to personality. He made sure to give special attention to the areas he knew Nico was less confident about; namely the shape of his body and his feelings of being a burden. Whether he stated it overtly, or simply showed him with gentle touches, he wanted Nico to be able to love himself.

Mammon never let Nico be alone. Though he would never admit it, he was scared. He didn’t know much about depression, but he did know it hurt. And he was meant to protect him! Even if it was from himself! And… he had heard that it might mean Nico’s death if things weren’t addressed. Mammon had already seen him die once; right in his arms before disappearing and becoming a different timeline’s version. Never again. Not on his watch. So he made excuses to be around Nico whenever he could. Partly to keep an eye on him, but mostly to make sure he never felt alone. That the moment any painful thoughts entered his mind, he had someone to turn to. For the times Mammon couldn’t be with Nico, he always made sure to check in via text.

Satan wasn’t great with comfort, but he did his best. He encouraged Nico to keep his mind engaged. To work through the “brain fog” as he described it. Never pushed schoolwork or anything overly taxing, but he did help Nico challenge himself. He’d learned from his books that it was imperative to find a balance between not setting into another rut and also not burning out. The days Nico just couldn’t, Satan took him out to the critter café. Another thing his books had taught him was that animal companionship was beneficial to humans. Apparently just petting a cat lowered stress. And Nico always did smile brighter after a Wolfsbane Latte and chinchilla snuggles. Occasionally, he would bring some study materials along as well. The soothing atmosphere of the café made things a lot less stressful. Though Satan would never know it, those café outings comforted Nico.

Levi was scared to help much at first. As envy itself, something very much like depression plagued him every day. Thoughts of not being good enough, unwanted, a burden, waste of space, useless… He didn’t want to say or do anything that would bring Nico down. The mere thought of his sin making things worse kept him away. But eventually, Levi realized Nico needed someone who understood how he felt. Sure, he had Simeon and his doctor who could approach his feelings clinically. But only Levi, out of everyone else he knew, actually experienced those same emotions. Or very similar ones at least. All Nico said was “How do you do it…? Keep living…? You’ve lived for millennia like this and I don’t think I can take another year…” His voice had been so quiet, so broken during the gaming session. That statement pierced his heart. But he understood. Levi had ages of experience dealing with it, and he’d be damned (blessed?) if he couldn’t pass on the things he’d learned.

Finally, Lucifer. He wasn’t there much of the time, still infinitely busy with various things. Much as he wished he could just ignore everything and stay by Nico’s side, he couldn’t. He worried Nico might think that he didn’t care. That his work was more important. Lucifer didn’t want that. But Nico had been very understanding. He had more than Lucifer in his support network, and he knew that the Devildom didn’t stop just for him. Still, he kept his D.D.D. on him at all times, just in case Nico needed him in an emergency. Also to check in occasionally; he wanted to encourage him to keep a schedule. The rare times when Lucifer did have time, he made sure to treat Nico. Whatever he wanted. Within reason, of course. But Nico never asked for the unreasonable.

* * *

“Okay, Nico, tell me about how you’ve been feeling this week.” Simeon sat across from me, notebook in hand. His presence was always so calming. It made it easier to be open.

But not today. Today, his simply being an angel made me nervous. I wasn’t Christian per se. I wasn’t sure _what_ I was religiously, now that I knew the true nature of the Three Realms. But I’d been raised Catholic. The things I had learned as a child stuck. One thing my mother had told me when I was young clung particularly tight to my mind.

_"Suicide is the worst sin. Anyone who commits suicide is damned forever. Throwing away the gift of life God gave you will have you in hell for all eternity.”_

These days I wasn’t sure about God. And I was already in Hell, which I considered my home now, so being “damned to hell” wasn’t exactly a punishment. But the guilt behind the sentiment stayed.

And I was feeling suicidal.

If it truly was such a heinous sin, what would Simeon, an angel of the Lord, have to say? Would he be disappointed? Angry? I’d never seen him be anything other than pleasant and jovial. Would he be duty-bound to smite me on the spot?

“Nico…?” Simeon prompted me and pulled me out of my thought.

“Huh? Oh… Sorry.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Nico, what’s the matter? Something is clearly troubling you.” He said. When I remained silent, he leaned forward. “You’ve never been this hesitant to talk to me before. I promise, whatever it is, I will not judge.”

Still, I hesitated. I couldn’t look him in the eyes as I spoke. “I’ve been… I mean I know it’s stupid… I know I shouldn’t feel like this but…” I took a deep breath. “I’ve… been feeling suicidal lately.”

“I see. I’m terribly sorry to hear that; you must be in a lot of pain.” Simeon said, his tone not ever changing from its usual gentle cadence.

My eyes averted away from Simeon. I couldn’t look at him. Couldn’t respond.

“Do you have any plans?”

I shook my head. “No. Nothing concrete anyway…” my voice was quiet. “I just… Think about how… not being alive anymore would make everything go away. Then I could _finally_ be at peace, not having to deal with any of this.”

Simeon nodded, writing down a few notes. He remained silent so I could vent.

“And what makes it _worse_ is that I _know_ I have no reason to feel like this! I’m surrounded by wonderful demons who adore me. There are so many people who don’t have what I do… And yet here I am still wishing I could end it!!!” I scrunched up my nose. “It really feels like I just don’t deserve all this… If someone who wanted to take my place— _deserved_ to take my place—did then everyone would be happier… At least… That’s what it feels like. But I know it’s not true. And yet I still feel like this! I hate it. I don’t know what to do.”

There was a heavy silence in the air for a few moments before Simeon spoke again. “Feelings don’t always make sense. They can contradict what’s happening around us, or even what we’re thinking. But that doesn’t invalidate your feelings. It sounds to me like you’re feeling guilty for still having depression, do I have that right?”

I nodded.

“How you feel isn’t bad. Or evil. It’s just how you feel. Accept those emotions before you try to overcome them. It’s easier to paddle downstream than up. Guilting yourself is like pushing a current against yourself. You spend so much time focusing on that resistance that the actual progress becomes shadowed.” Simon smiled softly. “You feel suicidal. Understand that urge. What brings it up, how it affects you. If you focus on that instead of just thinking about how you ‘shouldn’t feel that way,' then I think things will be a lot easier.”

All I could do was nod slowly along with his words. Everything he said made sense, and I felt a little silly for not thinking of it myself. But that is what a therapist was for.

“If you are able, I have two things I want you to do for me before next session.”

“I’ll certainly try…!”

“Good. First and foremost, I want you to discuss this with the medical doctor if you haven’t already. Maybe discuss a change in medications.” He said. “And second, whenever you start feeling suicidal again, I want you to make a note of everything that’s happening. You don’t have to do it in the moment, but try and keep a record of what started it, when it started, what you were doing, what you did afterwards, and when/why it stopped. Do you think you can do that for me?”

“Mmhm!” I nodded. Seemed simple enough, plus it might be easier to notice a pattern if I wrote it down. And wouldn’t it be just a mercy if a different pill or dosage could ease the edge? “Thank you Simeon. Truly. I can’t tell you how much I appriciate you doing this.”

“You are most welcome, Nico. It’s my pleasure.” He smiled warmly as I stood up to leave. “See you next week.”

I left Simeon’s room in high spirits. A little drained from having divulged such a serious and heavy truth to him. But I always felt better after therapy.

Mammon stood just outside Purgatory Hall, waiting to walk me back home. “Oy! Nico! Ya took longer than usual!” The concern in his eyes gleamed behind his glasses. “Is everything alright?”

I shrugged. “Well, as alright as things can be I suppose…” A small smile made its way across my lips. “Better than before, though. Today’s therapy was just… well, it took a lot for me to discuss certain things. Took some time. Has me completely drained.”

He nodded, and didn’t press for further details. He stayed close to me the whole walk home. All the while he made pleasant small talk. Telling me about this and that, what happened to him, who was on cooking duty, etc. It was a refreshing change of subject. I appreciated him for that.

Everything was going to get better.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are feeling anything like what I have described, I urge you to get help. Therapy and medication have helped me immensely. Please reach out if it is safe for you to do so. I won't say that things are guaranteed to get better just from that, but they certainly can. You can make that happen.  
> You matter, you're important, and I am glad you are here. You make this fandom brighter just by being here, whatever it is you do. Writing, drawing, reading, commenting, and even just being a passive lurker. It wouldn't be the same without you.  
> Stay safe.
> 
> International Suicide Resources: https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/  
> Crisis Textline: Text "HELP" to 741-741
> 
> The convo between me and Simeon at the end is based off of an actual therapy session I have had. I can't guarantee it's perfect advice for everyone, but it helped me and came from a professional.


End file.
